Filmed Sept 2012 by my mom (I don’t actually bareback that often, it was just one of those days)
Fonts: Alegreya and Note This (both are free)
Done mostly in Adobe After Effects CS3 with a bit of Adobe Premiere Pro CS3
Somehow had a render time of 5-6 hours, even though it’s only 2:10 minutes and although has a fair number of effects, it isn’t too crazy and the datarate isn’t that high…
This is a more personal video than my last few videos.
Everything is a dream. Everything is a fable.
As if they were hornless unicorns.
That way you won’t be too disappointed when you wake up and realize that it may never come true.
I’m afraid to believe, afraid to have hope in things I never had any business wishing for anyway.
For all the talents and privileges to envy, but do not have. That maybe I’ll never have. Not in this reality.
Sometimes horses are like unicorns. Each one mystical and in some way, unattainable.
I’m not quite sure what I really want or even more so, how to get there. My is purpose is undefined.
I don’t want to let go. I’m not letting go. I’m not falling off. At least, in dreams.
Because dreams always come true in dreams.
Well, I hope you like it as it took about 5-6 hours to render apparently (!!!) and some crotch to wither action! (That you don’t see of course haha but I felt it. Filmed Sept 2012 of me and Czar…I don’t usually ride bareback but opted to use this footage since it’s more….dreamy since it’s more unicornish in a sense…I know that makes no sense but unicorns are rarely saddle with regular saddles right?).
Used mostly After Effects CS3 with Premiere CS3 for basic titling (it’s easier since I had a bunch of layers in After Effects) and rendering (for some reason I can’t seem to get Adobe Media Encoder from After Effects….). Hmmm…maybe my next computer should have more horsepower so it doesn’t take like 6 hours to render 2:09 minutes of fairly post-processed HD video (it has quite a bit of effects but nothing generated or too major….). I also had to re-render it when I found my first render had no sound (whoops forgot to tick that off) and a typo…so I left it to do its thing before I went to school…which did not work because my computer fell asleep halfway through at 3 hours!!! I was finally done at my 3rd/4th render (1st – no sound + typo, 2nd – fail/abort, 3rd – no text at the end, 4th – it more or less worked) . I don’t get real-time previews (my computer can’t do that…it lags and lags)….so the final product is usually a bit of a mystery.
Despite all that, Vimeo claimed that my datarate/bitrate (quality, more or less) is too low but I’m not redoing it since I don’t want to wait another 6 hours and it looks fine to me.
It’s a bit more personal than my other videos I’ve made so far.
My video isn’t as depressing as my rambling below even though it could have been…it’s about dreams and uncertainty really. The whole thing about just not knowing what you want. What you really want or are looking for. The indecisive feeling between giving up and holding on when you’re not sure which one is really worth it. Still you’re holding on, just for the fragment of a dream to linger.
The video is dreamy and surreal. (I actually wanted more of a dreamy glow and blur but couldn’t quite figure it out with the tools I had…. probably possible but I don’t know how and google only gave me tutorials that used an extra plugin…ugh! )This is intentional It is not meant to be realistic. Both for the dream itself and the illusion, promise of dreams as well as the dreams that exist solely in your mind. Images that you see in your minds’ eye. Narratives and words that whisper to you. I’m pretty imaginative (or at least, that’s what people say I am…I’m not sure if that is true) so that best place to play is within your own mind. That way everything can come true. The surrealism of the video – the slowed-down motion, the increased brightness, the over-saturated and colourized landscape, the slight glow/blur to the world also emphasizes the otherness of worlds. Of a world that you find unbelonging and an allusion to the dream of distant worlds that you will belong in. Riding a light grey horse (well, he’s actually fleabitten grey but you can’t really tell in this video) bareback also echoes the imagery of riding unicorns who are rarely, if ever tacked up (but I’m not taking off the bridle, not on this horse). I don’t know much unicorn imagery that includes saddles. Admittedly, unicorns (and related) are constant motifs in my idea of fantasy worlds….their grace, beauty, myth and otherness (and resemblance to horses in most modern depictions) are probably factors.
I might add that the raw footage doesn’t not look like this, of course. (It’s actually significantly darker). I used mostly canter footage since I think it looks better…somehow. It looks freer in a way. (I think it was actually a lot more comfortable than the trot too ha!)
Context and Rambling
Well, so I’ve been riding for 10 years. Even so I’m not sure where I’m going it with it. It’s an expensive hobby to be sure and none of the industries I’m interested in (writing, digital media) is particularly lucrative much of the time (it can be, I suppose eventually but it’s often not. It’s just not. I suck at math and science so I can’t do those.).
There are some days that I’m not sure if it’s worth all of it (the cost being a big factor, but also eventually transportation will be an issue too), since if I don’t ride (especially at lower mainland prices) I could probably have more…..things I guess (like tech gadgets and more tech gadgets…haha!). There the fact that I’m not particularly talented at it. The location factor is another issue since I don’t drive (and can’t imagine driving, really in part due to my constant daydreaming and habit of fleeing any problems), adding to the issues. So I’m not even sure if it’s possible in the further future….once I have a different life away from living at home and going to school and doing nothing and feeling trapped somehow behind walls. So many walls.
I also haven’t jumped in many years but that’s another story. There are a few times that I feel that I get more achievement out of fake (digital) horses than real horses! (Because then you can pretend to be talented and rich and all that). But I have no idea what my life will be like. It’s like I’m grasping at straws that don’t quite exist (almost but not quite). Everything is moving too fast, yet not moving at all because everything, everyone around me moves but I, I do not..
But I also often can’t imagine giving it up. Just that maybe something has to one day change since I know I am not a show rider and I’m tired of being in places where I don’t belong. I have finally resigned to the fact that I will be primarily a recreational rider because 1) I can’t afford shows and everything associated with showing (including the fancy horse), 2) I’m not really that good of a rider anyways and 3) I don’t like hectic environments. I haven’t jumped for years either and I don’t know…the jury is still out on that one since I was never really comfortable jumping anyway…I felt out of sync all the time! But the point is that I’m much more of a recreational rider. Even though I haven’t really done anything else besides ring work…
Currently, I only ride once a week which seems barely enough to keep my riding muscles fit. (Yeah, those bareback videos…..I felt that ride for days!!). Anyway, I’m not even riding that often anymore since I went from riding twice per week (as I did for years) to once a per week last year, due in part to the cost of he expensive hobby. Somehow, that doesn’t seem to really matter anymore (it used to). Part of it is disenchantment I guess. I’m tired of watching absolutely everyone else (who have been riding for less time, sometimes far less time in many cases) progress way past me in a short span of time (or so it seems). I thought that maybe horses will something that I won’t be lagging behind in. But I was wrong. Lacking close human friends, I hoped to gain a “friend” or at least a special bond (what horse fiction is made of) with a horse. That didn’t happen either, of course. Instead, I felt that it often just accentuated my weaknesses….the lack of belonging (once again), my sheer failure at barn chores (I’m not strong enough) and often my failure with handling horses (I’m not strong or coordinated enough to correct naughty large creatures). But it wasn’t supposed to be this way.
I’m tired of lagging behind in general. Tired of having everything modified purely just so I can do them (maybe skating lessons were the only thing that was left unmodified, not that I really finished the “learn to skate” program…everything else including all my classes and even PE often had to be changed just so I can pass the damn thing! I thought that quitting jumping would allow me to focus on things that I was good at….but it didn’t quite work that way (now everyone can do everything I can do and jump!). It’s not like I have a suitable horse to jump right now anyway and haven’t for ages…(someone clone Dory. I only ever enjoyed jumping Dory.)
So I don’t know. I’m very confused. 10 years is a long time to be doing something even though it feels that you have accomplished nearly nothing. But yet, you like (although sometimes you like it AND are frustrated by it at the very same time!). Part of it is my limited resources (I know this is completely the wrong sport for my socioeconomic class but…) there is only so much one can do riding school horses once per week. But then, once again I feel so out of place.
What do you do when what you want seems to have little bearing on reality? Do you change it somehow? Do you just bury it? Do you just pretend it never existed? Do you fervently believe it will happen someday (maybe never), even though you have no idea how or when? Do you just accept that it’ll never happen? But then what do you really want? I thought I knew what I wanted. I thought all I needed was a horse to be happy. What kind of horse? Going what sort of things? The details were always a bit fuzzy. Now, I’m not so sure about that. I don’t know anymore. That’s then I realized that I really don’t know what I want period. Maybe I’m just looking for connection – the stuff horse fiction is made of. Maybe I’m looking for belonging. Maybe I’m looking for freedom. But I don’t really know what I’m looking for.
There was a time (around…2006) when all I wanted to do was jump. But it never went the way I thought it would and eventually I convinced that I suck at it for a variety of reasons (also I only enjoyed jumping Dory…most other horses I found were fairly strong to the jumps and I didn’t like that). So maybe things change but it’s when you’re not sure what that is replaced with that it gets confusing. And then depressing, And then bitter.
I am an daydreamer (and overthinker). Have always been. Part of the reason why I’ve always been so drawn to writing and art/media is the ability to create things, worlds and make them come true. Not in the real world necessarily but in that space it happens. I also have a fascination for mythical equine beasts. (I also I like being able to do what most people that I don’t know don’t do…..that it doesn’t feel that I’m always lagging behind).
I don’t know what I want. It feels that I’m just holding on. Holding on for what, I don’t really know. Holding on to dreams that have yet to come true. Holding onto hope. It’s the sensations that captivate me. The feeling of fur. The gaits of the horse. The feeling of movement. I am obsessed with these things (but that’s actually another blog post for a different time). I constantly feel a need for some sort of tactile…feeling.
Okay so I’m a overthinker with a existential crisis….
(I know most people will not understand anything or huge chunks of what I just wrote. That’s okay.)